Author: Emilie E. Palmer
Date: 20 October 1861
Location: Emilie E. Palmer 1859 Diary, Record Group 19/2, Oberlin College Archives
Document Type: Autograph Document
Introduction:
Palmer contemplates closure within the context of war, as she writes that she is yet again leaving Pittsfield, Ohio, where she stayed that past summer. She reflects on someone with whom she parted ways a few years prior to writing this entry and how, at the time, she did not grasp the definiteness of the goodbye. This entry also highlights how the Civil War often cut romantic relationships short because men became soldiers during the age of a typical courtship.
Document Text:
Oct. 20, 1861
This is my last evening in Pittsfield. It makes me feel bad to say goodbye. I do have so many friends to leave perhaps never to meet them again. Oh! this parting with loved ones. I have in mind one with whom I parted so lightly two years ago, but I have never seen him since and now he has gone to the war. And it brings the quick pain to my heart to think that I never see him again. Little did I know the treasure I toyed with and little did I dream of the bitter yearning that would haunt my life. If I only knew where he was.
This is the last time we shall ride together bearing the same relation to each other which we have done tonight. I told him it might not be. He kissed me very tenderly and we parted perhaps never to meet again. That is another leaf turned. May I never read it with sadder heart than I do tonight. No love can take the place of first love.1 I never can love again, and my heart’s idol is I know not where. This must never be read by other eyes than mine.
Transcribed by Hannah Cohen
1This is likely referring to “H. E.” who she writes about earlier. “I have heard good news from H. E. since I have been here. It almost set me wild for I had given up all hopes of ever hearing from him again. I wonder what makes that name cling to my memory with such tenacity. Do I love him? No, love unsought shall mine never be, still thoughts of those old days will bring the quick shrinks to my heart and the tears to my eyes.” She writes later, “I have been looking over my pictures tonight; one face is before me continually; sometimes I wish I had never seen it, and hope never to see it again, and again I would give all I possess to be with him. Perhaps tis well that I cannot see nor hear from him. Perhaps I am foolish but Oh! if I could only see him I would put my heart at rest in some way. Sometimes I think I care nothing for him. If so why do I think of him continually? I do not know myself.” H. E. could be Hosea, someone who she mentions feeling nervous about meeting in her 18 August 1861 entry. She continues to write about Hosea later on 10 December 1861, after she received a letter from Cordie saying Hosea was at Camp Dennison, but no more information than that. “If only I knew [the regiment or company] I would write to him. If I only knew whether he still cared anything for me. Shall I ever know? Will this unrest ever cease?” (24 June 1861, Emilie E. Palmer Diary; 28 June 1861, Emilie E. Palmer Diary; 10 December 1861 Emilie E. Palmer Diary).
